You’re probably going to think that I talk a lot about bathrooms and you know what? You’re right.  Because I do.  With five kids, I spend a lot of time in there and I’ve got a whole shitload (no pun intended) of bathroom stories to tell.

Like this one:

My youngest, who is now 3, wanted to go to the bathroom bad.  We were in the middle of a nice brunch with the family and everything, my food was nice and hot and all yummy looking, and even though I took her just before we sat down, she had to go, had to go, had to go!  But it was okay that day, because I figured, I needed to change my pad (yes I went there) anyway.  I asked the other ones if they needed to go (they didn’t) before I took her to the bathroom.

As usual, there was a long line to use three stalls.  When me and mini-me finally got into one, she exploded and a huge smile of relief covered her face.  After her, it was my turn so I pull my pants down and she yells, “mommy! You made poopies in your panties!”

“SHHHHHHHH!” I start off slow and hiss louder and louder, trying to cover her shrieks.

“mommy…” she whispers as loud as any human could possibly whisper.  “you made poopies in your panties!”

“Go look over there.”  I say, pointing at a spot on the wall that she could poke at.

Quick change, wipe, yadayada and ta-da! I stand up to flush, and she’s screaming again.  But this time, it’s “Mommy! You made fire in the toilet! That was so cool!”

She’s staring at my lower half and I’m struggling to open the door.  The line of women are chuckling to themselves and I avoid all eye-contact while I wash her hands and my hands together in the faucet.  Enough time went by, so I relax a little and head to the paper towels.  A sweet old lady, probably thinking that I had my hands full with the small one was nice enough to offer the two of us paper towels.

“Thank you!” I smile, and look at my 3-year-old.  “What do you say?”

She wipes her hands off like a eloquent little lady and exclaims, “My mommy made poopies in her panties and fire in the toilet!”

Ohmigod right?

I know.