This made me so scared I canʻt sleep.

I was having trouble sleeping the other night and, like millions of others like me, I grabbed the remote and started banging through the channels.

Food, food, more food, still more food, then *wham.* Dildo. Two dildos. Eight dildos.  Swirling dildos that light up like lava lamps and make whooshing noises while thrusting dull bulbous knobs into the air to the happy tune of “twinkle twinkle little star.”

But that’s not what caught my attention.  (Well, not really, anyway.)

What stopped me was Grandma, who was holding a swollen, sparkling rubber-banger-o-delight and directing people where they could shove it, stuff it and twist it to make a brain melting, face popping orgasm.

Her eyes danced as she pushed it around between the lubricated hole she made with her fingers (we know what you were doing afterward, grandma) but what I really wanted to know (and no, it wasn’t that, I’m sure Grandma gives her hands a good scrub before she bakes your cookies) is how much experience she needed to get that job– because with the economy the way it is, I would love to be able to tell (certain) people just how hard they should stick it and into what hole.

I just woke up from an awesome dream.

I was at the beach and even though the sun was high, I could look right into it’s face and not hurt my eyes– and there were people; high, low, in the water, playing in the sand, hanging from trees, people everywhere, splashing and laughing, frolicking and having fun.

Then one of these nameless joy finders called out to me, “yoohoo, hey Mama, come join us, the water is warm!”

So I did.

The water was so clear, I could see my toes digging into the sand at the ocean bottom, could see the stir of a million shells under my feet as I moved, and there were lots of brightly colored fish, red, orange, blue, green, yellow, some silver and gold… and as I waded in, I thought to myself, “wow, this water really IS warm! It’s so nice! I wish I could stay in it forever!”

I went further out until the water lapped at my shoulders and relaxed.  I floated on my back, smiling to myself at the sound of kids squealing in the background- and then, out of nowhere, a baby started crying. Then, two babies were crying.

I struggled to keep afloat but it was too late.

I went under, my eyes popped open, and there I was, in bed, two screaming babies on either side of my body, and me, lying in a huge puddle of piss that was coming at me from two separate directions.

Now, I will never be a man (at least not in this lifetime) so, my question to the big boys is:

Does this count as a wet dream?

Sorry for not blogging but It’s all life’s fault.

Life stuck it’s fat foot out, tripped me up, and sucked all the time out of me.

Since the last time I wrote, my kids and husband all aged a year.  Me on the other hand, remained 21 for the 4th (give or take a few years) time.  My oldest now thinks he’s funnier than me, my big girl is now a singer/dancer, my small boy tells everyone his name is Luigi Percy, my toddler has grown into a full-blown teenager, and my baby somehow turned into the house bully.

The only things that stayed the same is our messy house and the odor that dog oozes out of our dog’s anal sphincter.

Doubt anyone still reads this but I will try to update this blog as much as I can… besides, it’s always fun to look back on!

But this one is MUCH better: