Unknown creature sighting

This made me so scared I canʻt sleep.

I want that job

I was having trouble sleeping the other night and, like millions of others like me, I grabbed the remote and started banging through the channels.

Food, food, more food, still more food, then *wham.* Dildo. Two dildos. Eight dildos.  Swirling dildos that light up like lava lamps and make whooshing noises while thrusting dull bulbous knobs into the air to the happy tune of “twinkle twinkle little star.”

But that’s not what caught my attention.  (Well, not really, anyway.)

What stopped me was Grandma, who was holding a swollen, sparkling rubber-banger-o-delight and directing people where they could shove it, stuff it and twist it to make a brain melting, face popping orgasm.

Her eyes danced as she pushed it around between the lubricated hole she made with her fingers (we know what you were doing afterward, grandma) but what I really wanted to know (and no, it wasn’t that, I’m sure Grandma gives her hands a good scrub before she bakes your cookies) is how much experience she needed to get that job– because with the economy the way it is, I would love to be able to tell (certain) people just how hard they should stick it and into what hole.